I’ve been framed…

Posted by David Ward on 30/06/2012
Posted in: Personal thoughts, Pilgrimage, Solitude and silence. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

“In the beginning there is a canvas, a brilliant white nothingness waiting to be transformed by the brushstrokes of life. Splashes of colour, unique and individual to each one of us, merge, clash, and change. As the years go by, it becomes a painting on a painting on a painting, each new stroke of the brush shaped by the last. We all have a canvas waiting to be hung, and this is mine.” Peru, 2011.

(Ben Fogle, at the beginning of his autobiographical “The Accidental Adventurer…my wilderness years”)

I’ve been on a personal ‘retreat’ to North Wales. Travelling there is an interesting experience, passing as it does near Manchester and places in North Wales where I’ve lived for a bit. It’s a bit like time travel back in time, and evokes all sorts of memories, good and bad but mostly quite strong. No wonder I’ve done a fair bit of navel gazing during the week just past.

I started to read the Ben Fogle book during my time away…I like the quote above, with which he introduces the book.

I feel as if my life, my canvas, is very small and a bit drab, restricted by my personal fears, my background, my lack of finance and the effects of a tragic, but necessary, divorce. There are some things that even your faith and progress on your Christian journey do not necessarily prepare you for, and I think my current life stage is one of those times. It struck be yesterday that even Jesus, who became human and shared so many of our life experiences, did not have the ‘luxury’ of approaching old age, with all that means.

However, as a friend reminded me when I was deeply disappointed over my failure to return to paid Christian ministry, I have an ‘impressive ability to re-invent myself’.

So what ‘painting on a painting’ will characterise my next phase of life, however long that may last?

I hope it will include the ability to re-discover a depth of relationship with God and other people. One of the things I am constantly grateful for at this phase of life is my new-found ability to strike up conversations with complete strangers…something the shy boy could never have dreamed of. Of late I feel I’ve lost my way a bit in my relationship with God…my swing back towards my ‘evangelical’ roots from my more ‘contemplative’ faith has not necessarily been good for me or anyone else.

I also hope I will have the guts and the means to do a bit more travelling…our recent trip to Paris showed up my disgraceful fear and the blessing that came when I just got on with it.

I have been surprised at the depth of feeling I still have for North Wales after my recent ‘retreat’ there, the land I once felt so completely at home in and called to…I wish I had the same feelings for the Borders…I love the landscape and the people but constantly feel like a lonely stranger there.

I also want to be around and available for my children and grandchildren as much as possible in the years I have left, and to be able to be open with them about the things that matter and will really sustain on the journey of life.

I continue to feel tensions with my church and the role I have been given there…I need help to truly be myself there, despite the somewhat dour and ‘serious’ demeanour of so many of my fellow believers there…grace and joy, grace and joy, grace and joy…

I’m sorry I’ve only painted in one small corner of the huge canvas God supplied me with…I need help me to extend the designs onto more of the available space to complete a picture that’s beautiful for God…I want my my ‘small-ness’ count for something. Maybe age and experience will help me to paint more skilfully…

“When I survey the wondrous cross
On Which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.”

The counsel of fools…

Posted by David Ward on 13/06/2012
Posted in: Books/Articles, Personal thoughts, Relationships. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

I’ve been coming into a fair amount of criticism from a handful of people at church recently. In the latest episode someone has taken offence at some teaching I did about the Ascension, and taken some manipulative and high-handed action as a result. Fortunately the other elders at church asssure me of my “orthodoxy” and are sorting the matter out.

I don’t quite understand why I reacted like a complete and utter wimp to the criticism. I used to have a fairly thick skin…perhaps part of the process of making me a bit more sensitive to others has involved a degree of ‘thick-skin shedding’. I also have to say that compared to the persecution and threat that some believers face because of their faith I am really rather soft.

I was reminded today that opposition and criticism are part of the package for those who want to follow Jesus closely…

“We will never grow and be gifted in our Christian life unless we are prepared to surrender and obey the new power that demands our observance. This is an obedience that costs, because it inevitably comes into conflict with our own desires and wishes. It is a painful path – to pretend otherwise is only the counsel of fools. If Jesus obedience to the Father’s will cost him his life, what makes us believe that it will be a convenient and easy process for us? What makes us think that our faith and Christian pilgrimage will not cost us money, status and personal pain? But just as a soldier who does not obey commands is no use to the army, so a Christian who does not have a heart of obedience will never be of use in the service of God. It is useless to express a desire that God should work in and through us, if we are not prepared to conform to what he demands of us. We cannot enjoy the thrill of closeness to God and the power of his Holy Spirit, without the humility of acknowledging a higher authority and without complying with that authority with all our heart, soul and mind.”

Nick Aiken, “The Journey Home”, p42

What a choice…a quiet life or intimacy with God.

I know which one I say I want, but it’s all too easy to settle for a more safe and domesticated existence.

 

Hearing and Doing…

Posted by David Ward on 04/06/2012
Posted in: Personal thoughts, Solitude and silence. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Foolish builder (Matthew 7)

It had been a particularly busy time. Joining a developing new leadership team at our local church had brought many challenges, a sudden proliferation of meetings and a much busier email account. Added to the responsibilities I already had at church this meant more to do, alongside the work I get paid for which suddenly (and thankfully) went through a busier patch. I’ve just turned 60, which is a psychological milestone however you look at it. Add to this extra pressure brought about by my wife’s shrinking income as she runs down her self-employed business and a spate of unhelpful and undermining criticism from a group of people who should know better and you have a recipe for…

Well, in my case, I soon started to notice the tell-tale signs of depression (I’ve been there before). Apart from rampant tiredness, overwhelming emotions, a nagging sense of shame and a desire to get away, I also found myself completely unable to get a perspective on the criticism, and increasingly withdrawing from social contact.

So…I started by laying down one or two responsibilities at church that are non-essential. We were about to go away for a family holiday to Paris (which in my fearful, out-of perspective state, I was dreading)…I decided that the holiday might at least give me the space to make a decision as to whether to withdraw completely from church leadership (and maybe from church…).

The holiday has happened now. It was wonderful! It was so good to share a week with the family (including one of my older daughters). For a week we were away from the depressingly cold weather of the Scottish Borders in a beautifully warm and temperate Paris. We walked a lot, which has done wonders for my physical and mental fitness, talked a lot, which got me off the carousel of despair and laughed a lot (our trip included some time at Disneyland, which I surprised myself by enjoying very much). Paris in the springtime is everything the songs say it is, and I enjoyed the buzz of busy city life.

I also read a really helpful book, “Diamond Geezers” by Anthony Delaney (don’t be put off by the title, the books great) which helped to restore my spiritual perspective and recover a sense of God’s calling and purpose for my everyday life.

So, I have returned in a very different frame of mind and, sorry critics at church, I won’t be penning my resignation from leadership anytime soon.

Wives have a habit of saying things you really don’t want to hear. As I commented on how much better I felt after the holiday, Wendy reminded me that for months I’ve been talking about how I believe God wants me to go away for some personal retreat, but I’ve been too busy to actually carve out the time to do it. As a result…everything has suffered. Like the foolish builder in Jesus’ story I still need to learn that “anyone who hears my words and ignores them is foolish like a man who builds his house on sand. When the rain and floods come and the winds beat upon that house, it will fall with a might crash”.(Matthew 7: 26-27).

I scanned the internet for somewhere to go away. I found a small cottage in Wales called ‘Encil’, which means ‘Retreat’…don’t mind if I do! Now booked, and looking forward to a week of solitude, prayer, walking and eating simply (thank you Wendy and Susie for letting me go!!xx).

Hearing from God…great! Doing what he says…