“…a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.”
Matthew 19:4-6 MSG

Matthew tells this story after he records Jesus teaching about forgiveness, using the story of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:21-35), so clearly he saw the connection between unforgiveness and hard-heartedness.

The Pharisees seem to have had a very transactional relationship with God…we keep the rules, God looks after us. So for them unthinkingly keeping the rules became more important than thinking about why God gave the rules in the first place…for their good and for the protection of the weak…foreigners, women and the poor. It wasn’t to limit their freedom but to protect it.

The divorce Laws provide a great example of this. In a world where women were often treated as second class citizens and a commodity, the divorce Laws provided a level of protection against women being used and abused.

Jesus calls out the exceptions that have been added because of hard-heartedness, but reiterates it was not how God intended things.

This is not a matter of theory to me. Anyone who has followed this blog for any time may remember my telling of my own experience of divorce and remarriage: “A Short History of Divorce”.

I want to say that whatever reason a marriage breaks down, it is often like being ripped apart, and many I have known have struggled to feel whole again after the experience. Too often the judgementalism of those who should know better, especially in the church, only adds to the sadness and burden. Jesus is encouraging not hard-hearts, but softened, forgiving hearts, much like the heart of the Father towards people like us who have effectively separated from God and gone our own way.

Jesus makes the point that God intends marriage to be for life, but recognises that there are some actions that so destroy the marriage spiritually and emotionally that actual separation is the only way towards wholeness.

I have written before about remarriage and adultery, once again from a personal perspective: “Perpetual adultery: do I dare?”

Jesus said, “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan. I’m holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery.”
Matthew 19:8-9 MSG

“Where the spouse has committed adultery”, or in some versions “has been unfaithful”. Unfaithfulness comes in many forms, not just the obvious one of extra-marital affairs. Ephesians 5:28 talks about “loving your spouse as you love your own body”, which I guess makes abusive relationships, domestic violence and controlling behaviour reasons for divorce too.

This is another passage of scripture that has been read and applied literally and legalistically by so many down through the years, especially in some church and social settings where women are still considered second class. This can only serve to increase the pain and sense of loss that divorcees are often feeling. All of which flies in the face of grace, forgiveness and tender-heartedness like that of the Father.

Jesus summary of the Law of Moses beautifully sums it up…”Love God and love your neighbour”. The apostle John takes it one step further…”Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both!”…difficult to argue that you’re loving God by hating the ‘bad people’…

Can I encourege you to think deeply about forgiveness and tender-heartedness in the area of divorce and remarriage, in the way that Jesus was trying to encourage his listeners to do, especially if you hold deeply ingrained, inherited beliefs rather than those you’ve come to having listened well to all the evidence and humbly trying to find a godly attitude for yourself. You may find you disagree with my conclusions, but at least you can hold your view with integrity.